Out of Abandonment & Into Belonging:
Set Free by Unconditional Love

Bars.

Cold, metal bars.

That was my view for two years. At the young age of 13, I got locked up in a juvenile detention center. I was rebellious and angry. Angry at the whole world. Only years later did I understand that behind all this was a sense of rejection.

My father disappeared and reappeared in my life like a ghost, from the time that I was 2 years old, until he decided to leave for good when I was 12. He abandoned me, my mother, and my brother. That’s when my world fell apart. I started skipping school, rebelling against everything and everyone, wandering the streets, and stealing. My mother was helpless. The only thing she knew to do for me was pray. Yet little did I know then that each of those prayers would be answered…

Locked Up
It was in the detention center that I realized this place wasn’t for me. As the youngest amongst the aggressive teenagers, I felt scared and alone. My mother’s postcards were like rays of sunshine in that dark place. They gave me hope. On one of her visits, she gave me a book written by former gangster Nikki Cruz who had been encountered by the love of God. This made me believe there was a chance for me to find such love. I started to read the Bible, and each time I did, I would feel the love of God coming upon me. I grew hungry for more. I began to quietly ask God to change my situation. Shortly afterwards, I was released. But my journey to freedom was far from over.

New Life
Immediately after my release, I started going to church and attending youth camps. There, I saw people hungry for God and it made me want more of Him as well. During one of the altar calls, I gave my life to Jesus. At that moment, I felt God’s love like never before. I cried for thirty minutes straight as all the pain and rejection that had been bottled up inside was healed. I came back from that camp and told my mom, “From now on everything is going to be different. I received Jesus in my heart.” I became active in my youth group, read the Bible, went to church, and was a ‘good Christian’ for 10 or 11 years. But as I went off to university, I slowly started to compromise.

Downfall
As is the downfall for many young men, I fell in love with a young woman that didn’t have a personal relationship with God. I stopped putting energy into church, prayer, Bible reading, and I started to compromise more and more: from drinking, to gambling, to cocaine and other drugs. When my fiancée broke up with me due to my gambling problem, I suddenly realized that I had accumulated a load of debt with no idea as to how I was going to pay it off.

Loneliness
I ran away to Holland in an attempt to make good money and pay off the debt. I made new friends, but I still felt alone. Not only did I continue to feel rejected by my biological father, but I wrongfully started to think that God rejected me as well because I felt guilty about my many mistakes. I lived a life of addiction to alcohol and drugs and ended up in a toxic relationship. When I learned that we were going to have a baby, I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore.

Reconciliation
My mom visited us in Holland during this time and told us to find her a church to go to on Sunday. There, during the worship service, I began to cry. I remembered all the beautiful moments from my youth when I was close to God. Now, my life was a mess. I was about to be a father of a child whose mother I didn’t even love. I wasn’t even sure if I could be a good father, given the terrible job my father had done with me. I knew that this was my moment to come back to God. With the help of the church community, I slowly started to make my way back on the path to fight for my freedom.

Restoration
I spent many afternoons going on long walks by myself, asking God to forgive me, and forgiving myself for all the failures I had made throughout the years. My romantic relationship didn’t survive because of all the pain we had caused each other, but today I am a proud father and have a beautiful relationship with my son. After numerous encounters with God and being planted in a church that I could grow in, the desires to sniff cocaine, get drunk, or hang out with old friends disappeared. I took several bold steps to set myself apart and seek God more. I enrolled in the church’s Bible school where I found the woman of my dreams. We have since gotten married and together we are on a mission to reach those that are broken and lost like I was with the power and love of God.

Freedom
Today, not only am I happy–I am free. Free from addictions. Free from negative emotions. Free from unforgiveness towards my father who abandoned me. I forgave those that hurt me and I forgave myself because God forgave me. My journey to freedom was a long one. A story riddled with failures and victories, like that of the prodigal son. I was a son, but I ran away. And even after running away and coming back, my Heavenly Father put a ring on my hand and called me a son again.

Unconditional Love
I desire to see people coming out of bondage, whether it’s addiction or a broken family, simply by receiving the love of God. The love of God breaks every chain of bondage. Once you feel those arms of love, you never want to leave that place. My prayer and desire is that everyone will taste the love of God. Even when you mess up and it looks like you’ve gone too far or are in too deep, He is still there. He loves you and does not condemn you. That love is unconditional. And that unconditional love sets you free.